This segment is called, “Love Completely.”
DAY NINE: RELATING AND NOT WAITING
This chapter is going to touch on a touchy subject. It speaks about relationships. Relationships are good, unless they are troubled. When we have friction with another person, we like to bury the issue and we distance ourselves from the person and the relationship. Sometimes, it is necessary, but other times, we need to swallow our pride and make amends. If the person is a key person in our lives, we do need to deal with it. Loose ends are never good when a person leaves this earth. We will lose the opportunity to mend a broken relationship if 1 of the 2 people is not here. Today is the day.
Sometimes, this silently happens. Meaning, we work hard to provide things for our loved ones, but we do not give them the valuable part . . . our time and attention. Most people will choose love and concern over an item. Why do we wait until a funeral to send a person flowers?
This chapter challenges us to ponder the important people. Do we need to be the bigger person and apologize? Do we need to assure someone how we feel about them or validate their importance? What is keeping us from spending the time, saying the words or taking the action?
These troubled relationships can bleed over into other relationships if we do not address them. However, there is a fine line in this course of action. We discussed it in class Sunday night. Sometimes, we try to handle a relationship in the wrong way. Thought must be put into this process and a look at the big picture must be seen. Many of us have a tendency to think that because we want harmony, that should be enough and the other person should comply. That does not always happen. They key is within ourselves. We must give the gift without an expected response . . . let it go with no strings attached. Obviously, if we are dealing with a raged animal, we may get bitten. Just because we want to pet the lion does not mean he will not bite us. Maybe just throw him a steak and walk away. He will hopefully get the picture. You gave a peace offering with nothing expected in return. If he eats it or throws it back, you did what you needed to do. He may or may not recognize your effort, but you tried to speak his language.
The ultimate point is that we were made for relationships; relationships with our Creator and with others He created. The truth is that PEOPLE will let us down and hurt us. God remains. Do the best you can with the people ones, but keep your eyes on the solid One. People leave by free will, they die and they simply move into another season of life. We cannot live with a sole connection to any one person. Not our parents, spouses, siblings, children or friends. This is a temporary home for all.
The chapter then moves into a cringing place. I did not enjoy the challenge it presented. The point was that God gave His only son so that we may live. We all know the story well and take it as “the way it is.” BUT, how many of us put it into terms we can see? Selfless, painful, everyday people terms.
The human depiction was the story of a man who worked for the railroad and had the job of raising and lowering the bridge for the train to pass. His son often went to work with him. One day, an unexpected call came that a train full of passengers was coming and he needed to quickly lower the bridge. His little boy was playing in the spot where the bridge would lower and he could not hear the father’s call. You can see where this is going. I cannot allow my mind to go there. Truthfully, I would most likely spare my child’s life at the cost of the hundreds on the train. In this story, the man pulled the lever, fell to his knees and lost his son as the passengers happily rode over the bridge . . . dining and laughing with no clue that a little boy had died so they could live . . . a decision made by his loving father. That hurts to think about. The father gave the gift of love at his own expense.
The human depiction was the story of a man who worked for the railroad and had the job of raising and lowering the bridge for the train to pass. His son often went to work with him. One day, an unexpected call came that a train full of passengers was coming and he needed to quickly lower the bridge. His little boy was playing in the spot where the bridge would lower and he could not hear the father’s call. You can see where this is going. I cannot allow my mind to go there. Truthfully, I would most likely spare my child’s life at the cost of the hundreds on the train. In this story, the man pulled the lever, fell to his knees and lost his son as the passengers happily rode over the bridge . . . dining and laughing with no clue that a little boy had died so they could live . . . a decision made by his loving father. That hurts to think about. The father gave the gift of love at his own expense.
A look at the bigger picture and relationships takes us all to an uncomfortable place. But it is reality . . .
DAY TEN: EXPLORING THE DEPTHS OF FORGIVENESS
We are encouraged to look at God like the ocean. Both are very deep and offer more than a view or splashing around in the shallow part. We can go deeper and experience more.
As far as the message; Well, nobody wants to go here either. . . This chapter is about taking notice of the areas where you screwed up and need to be forgiven; whether that is by a person, God or both . . . YUCK. The truth is that these things don’t just go away. We either confess or suppress. Suppressing is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. Not easy or fun and is a constant effort and battle. Just let it pop up to the surface. The incentive and raw reality is that if we do NOT forgive, we will not BE forgiven. Matthew 6:9-15.
I liked the mentioning of The Lord’s Prayer. Most people know it and say it, but is that REALLY what we want?! To be forgiven as we have forgiven our debtors?! That look in the mirror is probably not very pretty for most. We all want to BE forgiven, yet FORGIVING is not as fun.
I think this gets tricky. It can be misunderstood and cause other issues such as CODEPENDENCY. Forgiveness does NOT mean letting people walk all over you at your expense, OVER AND OVER. It is almost a selfish act to let go of the negative, toxic emotional feelings we harbor. It is selfish (in a good way) because we do it for our own freedom. We break the chains that bind us by forgiving. Forgiveness is how to set a soul free. It is within.
The video that goes with this part showed a woman who lost her son to death . . . at the hands of a murderer. She had the chance to come face to face with the boy who took her son’s life. Needless to say, most of us would hope the boy did not have a body guard and then we would physically "handle" the situation. This mother looked at the bigger picture. Through her agony, she spoke to the young man. The pain was there, but she chose to forgive him because that is what God commands. We are all God’s children, even when we are bad. She said that though she had human feelings, she could see God standing behind her son’s murderer with His hand on the boy’s shoulder begging her to forgive him.
That is another tough pill to swallow. The shock factor hopefully made a difference and turned the boy’s life around. If he could have the path of his life changed and help others . . . possibly spare other lives, then her son’s death would not be in vain.
Another true story I know personally is similar. A mother lost her daughter in an automobile accident. Her child was the passenger. The mother often envisioned coming face to face with the driver. In her heart, the mom knew that she would console the girl, tell her it was not her fault and that she did not blame her for the death of her daughter. Sadly, one day, that day came. The driver approached the mother years later. This young lady had carried the guilt and denial for so long that she defensively lashed out about her innocence and placed some form of blame on the mom. The mom was emotionally taken down for a couple of days, as anyone would be, but she had to arrive back to a mental place of a second forgiveness. As Jesus said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:24
To live a fulfilled life, forgiveness is not an option. The consequences of what we have suffered may linger, but our survival depends on forgiveness. Otherwise, we will drown in bitterness. We think if we hold on to hurt and bitterness that we are getting back at a person. In reality, we are not affecting them at all . . . we are only self-destructing.
To prevent the long term danger, we have to deal with these things daily. Just as a festering wound did not start out that way, neither does holding on to bitterness. It all starts as a little sore and grows into a raging infection if not dealt with properly. Hence, the scripture’s reasoning, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27
Realistically, there is NO WAY I could go to bed happy if someone murdered my child that day or did some other terrible thing . . . but I get the picture. I think this is what the book, “The Shack” touched on.
Mixed in with being mad at people, we do not want to admit the truth . . . Many times we are mad at God because He allowed something or didn’t stop something. We suppress those feelings because we feel we are not supposed to be angry with God . . . so we take it out on others. The funny truth is that if we are mad at Him, He knows it anyway. Confessing it won’t be a newsflash . . . it will just be a discussion owning and dealing with the truth and the relationship. He can handle anger. The prayer? “God, I’m angry. Help me, forgive me, heal me.”
When we must forgive another and we feel we cannot do it, we forgive them through His power. That is when we allow God to intercede. It will be too much for us alone.
The overall message I received was this: I have a tendency to wallow in shame and guilt. I do not forgive myself; therefore I do not allow myself to feel God’s forgiveness. I remain in the state as a prisoner of shame by my own with-holding. I assume He hashes it up everyday too. Since I will forgive another quicker than myself, I think I may be on to something here. We carry our past around like a heavy anchor and it slows us down. If we can learn and practice forgiveness of ourselves and others, we will happily, graciously RECEIVE the forgiveness awaiting us.
The book suggests a little activity. As my sister, Becca says, “There is a turd on the table and only one way to get it off. You have to touch the turd.”
Though the book does not word it in such a way, that’s what it is saying. It recommends writing God a letter and unloading the truth about how you really feel . . . with no holding back. Then, as you ask for help, rip it up and be done with it. I likey!
20 more days,
Kasi
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