I'LL LOVE YOU FROM AFAR 

I had a dream about you last night ... and in it ... you died. 

I can't seem to shake one part of it, which was how much I cried! 

Even though crying usually comes with death, as though they are a pair ...

I have made grand efforts to convince myself that if you died, I would TRY not to care. 

That sounds so very harsh, and few could comprehend. 

But they don't understand, YOU do not want me close, not even as a distant friend. 

It's painful chasing someone for so many years, as I have chased you ...

Trying to receive and capture the love and acceptance that I never knew. 

Each time, I tried harder ... and it only pissed you off more. 

A rejection that will break even the strongest ... stripped down to the core. 

Harsh things you've said and you've told me you meant every single word. 

"How are you and the girls? What's going on in your life? Do you need anything?" are questions from you I've never heard. 

However, you have assured me of the terrible person I am ... many, many times. 

Making most any and every thing I've ever said or done, "unforgivable crimes."

If I saw the person in myself that you proclaim to see,

I would be certain, there is no one in this world who is worse than me. 

And a "happy ending to my life," ... there would not be. 

Do you know or understand what I'm saying? Do you even care?

I'd be 6 ft under by now because I wouldn't have a prayer. 

Too dramatic you say? I'm being "ridiculous and over-the-top."

No, it's what happens when people can't find a way to make emotional pain stop. 

I can hear you now, "That's your choice and your problem, not mine."

Believe me, I know it is, and in spite of you, I'll be fine. 

Still, I tried to do better, BE better and win your love for many years. 

I was never successful in my efforts, and shed lots of tears. 

The fact that I've cried so much over this has not helped one bit. 

It only made me look weaker, made you angrier and give even less of a shit. 

I definitely do not make your life better, in fact, I only make it worse. 

You've literally assured me of bad things to come my way, a genuine curse. 

I can't imagine declaring, hoping and wishing tragedy to come another's way. 

Kind of proves the old rule about holding your tongue if you can think of nothing nice to say. 

That tongue is a weapon sharper than any sword or knife. 

An emotional dagger searing through the heart and brain, leaving scars for life. 

Once those terrible words are said, they can never be taken back. 

In fact, they become the heaviest luggage ... one you can never unpack. 

Over the years, I've worked really hard to accept things and "let it go," as you've often said. 

Unhealthy boundaries with others, hours in counseling, and countless books I have read.

Several times I slipped up, thinking, "I'll try it just one more time and maybe it will be different. 

Always holding on to hope that the bad will magically disappear and all will be magnificent!

There is one thing we can agree on and where we see eye to eye, 

That fairytale brain of mine needs a swift kick goodbye. 

Things are the way they are, and I will likely never understand or know why. 

However, now I know, there may never come a day that it doesn't still make me cry. 

I've done well coping in everyday life, but one cannot control the state of sleeping. 

I woke up early this morning ... sweating, panicked, upset, sad and weeping. 

I got out of bed to get away from it, but it still seemed and felt so real. 

It caught me by surprise because that's not how I thought or expected I'd feel. 

I have pondered, wondered and worried about when that day comes and what I'm supposed to do.

I've even went so far as to communicate this concern ... ask questions, and tried to talk to you. 

That went the same as usual - no solution, no progress made. 

It was nothing more than another painful slide down that razor sharp blade. 

After that, I decided to put all of my effort into not caring and walking away. 

Pretending that when you left this earth, I will have the strength to act like it's just another day. 

Possibly, I will actually feel better in some strange, distorted way?

Death would be the excuse you could not see me or call on my birthday. 

But this morning I feel different, and I have a heavy heart. 

After so much progress to move forward, now I'm back at the start. 

I'm sure the thought was in my subconscious because of a discussion from last night. 

Just another reminder that even when I feel certain about things, it doesn't mean I'll be right. 

I can still feel my grief and sadness from that dream ... or rather, nightmare. 

I think it's how it would actually be if you died ... a very unusual feeling of despair. 

You were sick, the end was drawing near ... I cried and was so very sad. 

Not for what was about to be lost, but for what I never had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't even call and tell you about it, because some part of it will make you upset. 

I can't come to your house because you haven't given me your address yet. 

I know how you feel about me, you've made it more than clear. 

I promise I heard every word, they are forever etched in my ear. 

But, for some reason, I still wish upon that star in the night sky. 

A star I can't even see because it's hidden behind thick clouds ... invisible to the human eye. 

THIS ... This is my only option and all that I can do. 

Sit down with myself, WRITE my thoughts and feelings instead of trying to talk to you. 

I will never understand, it will never make sense. 

You will never hear my pleas, only take offense. 

How I wish I could have obtained your closely guarded time, attention, love and pride. 

Since you couldn't see the good in me or feel my love while you were here, I hope you will on the other side. 

For now, today, I will need to focus on getting over the negative feelings inside. 

Feelings of sadness, rejection, resentment and anger ... all ones I try to hide. 

IF you cared and wanted to know why, here's what I'd say,

"I love you, but I loathe that you've forced it to be this way. 

I wanted to live a life with no regrets, and you took that away. 

I think I'll always wonder if there was something else I could have done. 

Something that could have given me hope when there was none. 

I promise, I would have done it, if I had the key to that door. 

I would have loved to have known each other better and done so much more. 

I don't want the ending to be like my dream ... it hurts my heart. 

But maybe we will finally be closer in spirit when we are actually physically apart. 

I will hold on to that and take what I can get. 

And when I look back at my efforts, I really do NOT feel regret. 

I wish I knew what to do, but no choice I make will be right. 

If I tried to talk to you here, it only would have ended in yet, another fight. 

Honestly, even if you came to me now, I think I'd be too scared and likely run away. 

Too scared of what may happen next, or what you would say. 

It's not a risk I'm willing to take ... I want no more future pain and bad memories being made. 

Let's just stick with the dues we've both already paid. 

There will be two goodbyes for us when it's all said and done ...

Neither could possibly be more silent or louder than the other one. 

Today, I'm sending love to you wherever you are. 

And as I have had to do for many years, I'll continue to always love you, but it's best from afar."

Kasi M. Bryon

(C) July 2021

If you can relate to this poem, I see you… And I am sorry. Maybe read my post before this one about the tree growing out of a rock!💪🏻❤️