Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Poem to My Second Child

This is the longest poem I have ever written and will take about 7-8 minutes to read. I tried to just 'write' about this event in an attempt to document it, but for some reason I never liked the way it turned out. Last night, a flood of thoughts came to me and I sat down and wrote for about 2 hours. No idea why or how, but it came out in this poem form. It is written to my youngest daughter. She cried when she read it and really loved it... so to me, it  has already served it's purpose, no matter what. But hopefully another may enjoy it, or some part of it. It is about my daughter getting saved.

I prayed for God to give me a second child,

Promising Him again, I’d do my very best.

Makes me wish trying hard or having the right intention,

Determined the grade and if I passed that test.


I hope you feel you’ve had a good childhood,

And that I was a good mother to you.

But for me there are some things that could’ve been better,

Some things you possibly never knew.


I carry a bit of regret and shame,

Regarding this time of your youth.

I’d like to say you had all your sister did,

But I wouldn’t be telling the truth.


Your baby book has empty spaces,

And you didn’t get as much one on one attention.

There are many things that weren’t the same as your sister,

Too many to even mention.


I didn’t spend as much time playing,

Talking or reading nursery rhyme books.

There aren’t nearly as many photos,

Capturing all of your changing little girl looks.


Besides having another child,

There were other things on my plate.

I opened a business when you were one,

Keeping me gone at night too late.


That business seemed like a blessing at the time,

Impressing many along the way.

Overall, it ended up costing me a lot,

And nothing to show for it today.


It was costly in the sense of money,

But no dollar is that important to me.

The expense that hit me hardest

Was lost time with my family.


I took on too much responsibility at one time,

But, “my heart was in the right place.”

Too bad there are no points for that either,

At the end of this parenting race.


You were nine when I finally closed the doors,

Leaving me feeling like I missed eight years of your life.

However, the year earlier held the biggest change,

When your Mommy was no longer your Daddy’s wife.


Besides the fact that I was preoccupied with working

For most of your elementary years,

I was not always physically or emotionally available

To help console you or calm your fears.


At times if I was physically present,

I’d still be a million miles away.

Lost at sea in my own grief,

Trying to hold the worst of it at bay.


You were too young to understand,

And honestly, I was too.

We just found a way to make it day to day,

Doing the best we could do.


In the process of this tsunami,

I failed to keep that promise from years ago.

I promised God if He would give you to me,

I’d make sure all about Him you would know.


I promised to raise you as one of His,

Teaching you all of His glorious ways.

However, one of my worst and hardest times during the divorce

Seemed to always happen on Sundays.


When you were little and we were a family of four,

Church was a common place we would go.

You went to a Sunday school class,

Wearing a cute dress and matching bow.


You learned and sang about Jesus,

We were off to a good start.

Then, not having a whole family to walk through those doors …

It seemed to rip out another chunk of my heart.


I cowered to the sadness and hurt,

Going to church was more than I could take.

I knew it then, and I know it now,

That was the worst decision I could make.


You were already robbed of the life you knew,

At such a young and important age.

For many years I’ve felt the guilt of not taking you,

When you were in the early, developmental stage.


I continued to say prayers with you,

Mainly at night before you went to sleep.

But I’ve known all this time, that wasn’t enough,

Hearing the echo of the promise I didn’t keep.


Your sister made the decision to follow God at a young age,

So I hoped you would do the same.

You did not, but there was a valid reason for this …

Lack of exposure was most likely to blame.


I began to think and worry,

Asking people what I should do.

I was assured time and time again not to fret about it,

That is a decision between God and you.


Now you are fifteen and a total beauty,

I doubt a person would disagree.

You bring a light and energy to our world,

Usually with a smile on your face; happy as can be.


I guess your sister may say she had it harder,

Because I was too strict when she was a teen.

I worried about things I could not control,

Her safety, friends and everything in between.


I am trying not to make some of the same mistakes twice,

At least if it is something I can change or do another way.

So, when you asked me to let your friend drive you to church,

I fought everything within me, hesitantly saying, “Okay.”


I’ve never let you or your sister ride with friends.

It’s a solid Mommy rule.

The closest I ever came to an exception,

Was letting your sister drive you to school.


This is me trying to control that which I cannot,

Thank you, Anxiety and Fear.

One day, I will learn I cannot always keep you safe,

But for now, it’s still not very clear.


As usual, I had to work late last Monday night.

And, there was a special event at church this week.

It’s called The Crusade, which means:

Lots of teens, loud music, and different guests there to speak.


I found myself between a rock and a hard place,

A decision had to be made.

Make you stay home where I knew you were safe?

Or let a child drive you to the church Crusade?


The first instinct came quickly and easily,

“No. You cannot ride with a child so young.”

But, something prompted me to think it through,

So I did ... and held my tongue.


I allowed you, my child, to do this,

To my surprise and yours as well.

Now, because I put my trust in God,

There is quite the story to tell.


You girls made it there and back safely,

Though I was thinking, This is a little late.

It was a few minutes after 9:30.

October 27, 2014 was the date.


You and your friend came to the door,

Both beaming like a light.

You weren’t even all the way in before saying,

“Sooo, Taylor and I both got saved tonight.”


You had both went forward at church,

And asked Jesus into your heart.

You were so empowered by your decision,

And this new life you will now start.


I hugged you both and congratulated you,

Then, hugged you both again.

Two girls looking simultaneously young and mature,

Sweet faces adorned with a permanent grin.


I pray you hold on tightly to these feelings,

Etching them deep within your mind.

You will need this inner power in the coming years,

When peace will be hard to find.


On the days life gets too hard to endure,

And there seems to be no end in sight.

Don’t try to stand up, Baby Girl,

Kneel down for that fight.


Do not turn to anything or anyone in your despair,

Though it will be a tempting thing to do.

Many times you will learn the most in life,

When there is only God and you.


There is never a place you can go to escape His love,

I promise you, He will always be there.

He is with us through the good times and bad,

Even when we are too broken to care.


There will be people in your path,

Declaring God and Jesus are not real.

He will be compared to a make believe world,

Or called nothing more than a feeling that you feel.


It may be easy to believe this when bad things happen,

Causing you to ask, How and why?

At times you’ll simply want a tangible person to talk to,

Or hold you when you cry.


None the less, be respectful of others and their beliefs,

Whether you agree and understand them or not.

Having everyone’s understanding and approval is trivial,

You’ll understand more when God is all you’ve got.


You are at square one right now,

The absolute best place to be.

When you doubt your faith later in life,

Resort back to this archive in your memory.


Remember when you were fifteen …

Close your eyes and travel down memory lane.

Tap into this reservoir of faith and hope,

Allowing it to erase your doubt and pain.


It seems the older and wiser we become,

We make it harder than it should be.

Hence, why Jesus tells us who are tainted by this world,

“Unless you become like children, heaven you’ll never see.”


Thank you for being the beacon of light,

Proving these powerful words to me.

It was great to be reminded and refreshed,

Through my child’s unknowing, innocent ministry.


I hope I will never forget the details of that night,

It was a breath of needed fresh air to my soul.

A clear depiction that not all things are bad,

When they are out of my control.


“Out of my control” means only one thing,

And it will mean the same for you.

It means God Almighty will take care of it all;

Always remember that, my sweet Kendy Lou Who.


I love you so much,