The definitions:
Anxiety means you freak out intensely, worry,
obsess and panic a lot. Self-talk and self-awareness are keys to
recovery/dealing with anxiety, and an occasional Xanax. I have had this my
entire life. It is most often inherited/genetic.
Codependency does NOT mean you are dependent, not in
the way one may think. In simple terms, we are rescuers and enablers. Though
our hearts are in the right place and we feel we are helping, we are usually
creating bigger problems trying to save the world single handedly. Codependent
people are usually not slackers. We will run off fumes trying to accomplish a
task (even if it is not our responsibility,) or die trying. It takes quite a
while to hone these unhealthy skills and sadly, it is a lengthy process undoing
the behavior. I went through approximately one year of class and counseling on
codependency, healthy speaking/acting and boundaries. This required a lot of
self-reflection, and as stated in another blog, “self-reflection sucks.” Codependency
is typically a result of emotional abandonment, usually from childhood. These
traits can also be learned behaviors.
Being
an empath
is a new term to me, but certainly fits me and has explained a lot of things
about myself that were confusing. An empath senses/feels other’s feelings and
emotions, therefore having a unique understanding of another person without
actually walking in their shoes. This gift/trait dances along a fine line for
me on a spiritual level and has been something I have devoted a lot of time and
energy into understanding. It can easily be categorized as psychic, which is
quite controversial. I am not into weegie board/evil/satanic things and want no
part of such. Yet, I have this ability to see, feel and understand things
beyond what most can. To me, it is “common sense” to everyone. After flying to
Long Island, NY for an appointment with Pat Longo (a spiritual advisor, Theresa
Caputo/The Long Island Medium’s advisor,) I learned it seems this way to me
because this is something that has always been available to me. In reality, it
is no different than someone with a photographic memory, naturally excels in
sports, can do arithmetic in their head … and so on. It is simply a part of how
I am wired. This is also genetic/an inherited trait. It typically is
accompanied by anxiety, because being super sensitive to deep things such as
energy and other’s feelings in addition to their own, makes anyone overwhelmed
and anxious.
Everyone
has strengths and weaknesses. Learning about both is frightening, hard work,
overwhelming; yet, empowering. THEN, raising two children solo-style while
walking the road of self-discovery … knowing all three traits/issues will most
likely be a part of your children … now that’s a little scary.
I
got good practice a week ago …
My
oldest daughter (my first person to teach, but has taught me) is now 18 and has
graduated high school. We are trying to make intentional efforts to sever some
cords, and I am a bit overprotective,
so it doesn’t always come very naturally. Anyway, I try to stay out of her
business and decision making.
She
is doing some independent work over the summer for extra money, house/dog
sitting and babysitting primarily. Last week she committed to stay at a house
and tend to a dog, spending the night there every night. On Monday (my busiest
work day … 14 hours, followed by a 10 hour Tuesday,) she came into my salon and
said my nephew had contacted her and needed a sitter that evening. She has such
a heart for him and his situation. He and the mom are very young parents (not
much older than her) with two babies in diapers, and are no longer together. I
didn’t ask questions about her schedule, since I’m staying out of her business,
I just said, “Ok, it’s up to you.”
Before
I realized it, we were in a life-lesson moment …
I
began putting two and two together. She said my nephew had to work until
midnight, but it could be about 3am. As I was trying to understand her game
plan while simultaneously applying hair color, it became clear that we had a
problem.
I
asked, “How are you going to do that? You won’t even be here … and you are
already committed to keep the dog.”
She
responded, “Well mom, he needs help. I figured I would play with them until
they are really tired, get them to sleep and then go to the dog.”
Silent
pause.
My
response, “Honey, they are babies. You can’t just turn them off and put them to
sleep. They wake up in the night.”
Another
silent pause.
I
needed parental guidance, so I called my Dad.
“What
do I do Daddy?! I have taught her this. I can hardly get on to her because she
has watched me not be able to say ‘no’ … but I have worked all day and have to
work all day tomorrow, now I am going to be the one babysitting. I have to help
her see that she made a decision for me.
What she did is what I went to those classes for, codependency. She didn’t say
no because she had other obligations and I NEED to say no because I do too.”
Daddy
said, “I really don’t know the answer, but be careful not to put out the fire
within her. Her heart was in the right place and she has a compassion for
others, that’s a good thing.”
I
agreed, but my heart was in the right place when I put my husband through
college to help achieve his life dream, about killed myself supporting our
family solo for 7 years because the job he wanted wasn’t available, moved in
his elderly grandparents for 6 of those years, paid far beyond my share of
expenses while owning a huge salon … because I didn’t want anyone else to
struggle … all while helping at the elementary school twice a week because no
other parents in the class would. It is a grueling, endless cycle once it
starts. Someone is always going to need help and if there is one person who
will do it, people will let them. Balance is key. Helping is great, but saving
the world, doing everyone else’s responsibility because they “can’t,” to the point
one cannot fulfill her own responsibilities is a problem.
Always,
what happens next: the rescuer gets exhausted and sees herself (or himself) as
a victim, never realizing her issues were indirectly self-inflicted. I did all
of that to myself because I didn’t know when or how to draw the line. My heart
being in the right place caused severe resentment, loss of respect for my
husband and fatigue beyond belief, which ended my marriage in divorce. The
grandparents living with us was overall good, I was just disillusioned,
thinking my efforts would make them like my grandparents, not in-laws. I had no
grandparents left and wanted that relationship. After the divorce, their
connection with me changed. The fact that I was the person behind their move
didn’t give me the status of grandchild once I divorced their grandson. I get
that, but my thinking was hopeful. As far as the salon, I just wanted a nice
place for myself and other stylists. I tried to assume all responsibility, but
was not wise financially. All in all, I threw tens of thousands of dollars
away, lost my 401k and STILL owe about $4000 on a debt from it. It’s been
closed for 5 years. BUT, I spared the others any financial burdens by absorbing
costs. Yay me. It was quite a sting when a few of them, the ones whose rent I
had lowered, made comments about me making money off of them. The truth was, I
never profited one dollar. I stayed in the hole. Not to mention, I lost countless hours of time with my children investing all of that time and energy into what ended up being a sinking ship. Time never to be regained.
Back
to my codependent-in-training child … I pondered and pondered, asking for
parental guidance from those I respect, explaining the depth of WHY it was a
big deal. One of my childhood friends and her husband came in for a hair
appointment that evening. Her husband is a man of few words, very gentle and
soft spoken. His comment was quite helpful, “Well, personally, I don’t stay up
past 10:00 for anyone … But 10-15 years from now, you just want to be sure you
are the one she calls when she needs help.”
For
some reason, that’s what put things in perspective to me.
I
sat my daughter down and explained the good and bad of her situation, which was
now “our situation.” I praised her for her love of others and her good
intentions, then explained the hidden problems underneath stretching yourself
too thin, especially when it spills over on other’s plates.
My
girls are both aware of my struggles and efforts to do things in a healthier
way because I share with them as I go. It is an exhilarating thought that
maybe, just maybe, I can teach, help and spare the girls of this seemingly tiny
characteristic … yet it can silently overtake your life. The truth is, I pride
myself in being truthful, as does my oldest daughter. But in cases like these,
we are NOT truthful. The honest answer would have been, “I would love to help,
but I cannot this time because I already have other commitments.” That simple.
So, that tidbit of information and those suggested words are the tools I gave
her for her mental toolbox.
It
made sense to her when she said, “But mom, there was no one else to help,” and
I responded, “But honey, that’s part of being a parent. They will have to do
the same thing I did with you girls. If there was no one to care for you, your
dad and I had to miss a day of work. This certainly won’t be the last time they
need help, trust me.”
It’s
moments like these when my codependent, anxious, empath ways shine brightest. Like
they unite together as one strong force and I find myself swimming upstream. I
want to rescue my child, though it will be hurting her in the long run if she
doesn’t learn to suffer through consequences of her actions. I feel her
emotional, innocent longing to help, her bewilderment mixed with panic as she
realizes what she’s done, and how upset she was because she got in trouble for
doing the wrong thing when she was trying to do the right thing. I too wanted
to help … but our conditions simply weren’t favorable. Then, all of that makes
me internally anxious.
The
end result: By the time I realized the full predicament, my nephew had already
packed up the kids and was almost here. At this point, MY daughter, who is my
responsibility, had created a situation. I was tired, but it was possible for
me to step in … only if she clearly understood the big picture.
I
explained (to my daughter) the situation at hand would be handled by exception
because she truly didn’t understand what she had done, but in the future, she
would have resolve it on her own. We compromised and became a team. She had her
little sister help, but paid her part of the babysitting money. I did take care
of the babies through the night and had her come home at 6:00 when they woke.
She apologized, thanked me, and said she’d be more aware in the future. That’s
about all a mama can ask for, at least it works for me.
It
was just a few nights ago that my friend, her son, my daughter and I were all
out to dinner and the discussion came up about what had happened. She ever so
quickly said, “I would have just went to the house and dog sat!”
Now,
why didn’t I think of that?
A work in
progress,
Kasi
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