Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Light in the Dark...Hope

I wrote this last week. Posting for my dear Eve to have something to read while on the quiet train. Shhhhhhh!


Today was my day off, but one client wanted a little more blonde in her hair, so I made an exception. My clients are more than clients, I consider most to be dear friends, as they do me. My friend/client today is a couple years younger than me, has never been married and never had children, both being longings of her heart. We’ve had many conversations/debates about being married. I assure her being single and happy is better than married and unhappy in an unhealthy relationship. She feels marriage is what she needs and wants and that I can’t understand because I have experienced it. She and I have touched on this a few times over the last decade and a half. Today, I shed a different light on why I say what I say and we understood that she can’t understand my point because she hasn’t been where I’ve been.

We entered another discussion on the topic today, and it brought a couple of thoughts to mind, ones I have never realized.

I was saying how I question myself about a few things, things I would chose death over living through; one of them being trapped in a relationship that is unhealthy and why I cannot and will not do it again. I have written about it before …

In short, I recapped July 4th, 2006 with her. The holiday I could not celebrate with my girls because I was too distraught with the reality of my life and failing marriage. Our family was disintegrating. I was faced with the realism that no matter what, I could not bring myself to pull enough strength together to put that smile on my face and be the happy mom. My kids would miss the holiday, and I couldn’t have that. My situation forced me to call their aunt and ask if my girls could celebrate with their family. I hated to admit I was in such a state, but it is what it is. I saw no light at the end of my tunnel. As soon as the girls left, I retreated to my bed under the covers, in a soft, constant sob.

This was the part when I explained to her, “I have never been suicidal or planned my death, but because of my circumstances and state of mind, I can somewhat understand how and why one gets to the place of taking their life. That day, I pulled the covers over my head and whispered to God, ‘Please God, take me from here. Make me stop breathing. Bring me there with You. I can’t do it anymore. I am too weak. I’ve tried all I know to try. I am no good to myself, my children, my family or friends. There is nothing left of or in me. Take care of my babies, so they know how much I love them. I am ready.”

My friend stood there in front of me, frozen, slightly teary eyed, not knowing what to say other than, “Please don’t ever get to that place again.”

After she left, I thought it over a bit deeper, having not thought about that time in my life for quite a while. I’ve been so far removed from that time and the pain, forgetting how bad it was, but remembering with a clarity I long to forget.

My thoughts evolved to parents leaving children. My mom has been unavailable, with little to no communication/interaction and I have never understood it; similar to how one cannot comprehend suicide. Here I am, the mother of two teenage girls. The loves of my life, but I swear I often feel like I am in a lose/lose situation. Many things I do with all my effort simply does not seem to be enough and it does flash the thought across my mind of just giving up and not even trying anymore.  

That’s when two profound truths came to mind.

I “get” why my mom threw in the towel; but yet, I don’t get it because I keep pulling strength from any source I can find when it gets to that point. As I thought about the little fighter I am, (or think I am,) I realized that though my prayer on that July 4th was seemingly innocent, I never thought it through to the moment after … IF God had answered my prayer. My kids …

You see, my husband wasn’t laying there beside me. He was in another room, probably watching TV. I suppose he was trying to ignore our reality because he didn’t have a solution either.

So, what if? What if God took me that day as I had asked/begged. And what if my husband just kept watching TV in another room until the girls got home, which is most likely how it would have went down. The odds are high that those little girls would have been the ones to find me … dead … And to think, I asked for such a thing.

That has never once dawned on me. I was thinking, “Escape. Natural causes. Easy. Cut and dry. Innocent.”

These decisions we sometimes make, or thoughts we have, the leaving ones; come from real, legitimate feelings. Just because death looks easier, or seems like an option, an option some can see as the only one, it needs to be looked at a little deeper, even while sitting in the bottomless pit of despair. There are people who will suffer greater if we throw in the towel. Both choosing death and not dealing with a child you simply don’t like are selfish, as sad as it is to say, especially when you have been the thinker of such thoughts. (Hopefully this is understood that a circumstance like a child on drugs who doesn’t want to help themselves is a bit different. Sometimes a detachment is necessary to start the healing process and stop the enabling. Those kind of situations are exceptions, I know. But even in them, a parent can still assure their child they are loved in some way.)

In closing, I get giving up and I get sucking it up. Time for me to repent for asking such a thing that could have scarred my children forever. In my distorted mindset, I thought I was thinking of them … but I was thinking of me. There ARE lights at the end of tunnels. I did have to leave, but it was leaving an unhealthy marriage/relationship that was toxic. Divorce is damaging to children and I wish it on no one. However, staying until one gets to the place I landed is no answer either.

Not everyone will be in a place to pull strength and ability to keep pressing on, I know. But I also know from personal experience that somewhere deep within you, me and everyone in between, there is a tiny spark.

(Thank you Eve for always igniting my spark when my flame gets extinguished. Hope you had a good ride and a good read … and have a good day! LU!)


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