Saturday, May 23, 2015

A Diamond Named Crystal Poem

 “I have breast cancer.” The words you said in a matter of fact way.

I tried to process the declaration, But no words could I say.

We kept a positive attitude, believing it would all be okay.

In spite of the threat that it could take your life one day.

 

You eventually told me, “They said I may have three years.”

You were the one comforting me, trying to calm all my fears.

That discussion was a phone conversation, but you still heard me cry.

I was asking what everyone else was, the unexplainable question, why?

Monday, May 18, 2015

A Diamond Named Crystal



          It was somewhere after 8pm and before 9pm on Thursday May 14, 2015 when time stood still. Whatever the clock said no longer mattered and had no meaning. I sat in a hospital room beside my lifelong friend who was laying in the bed, holding her hand as she was preparing to leave this earth. It would be my first time to be in the presence of someone leaving their physical body. I've never wanted so desperately to be somewhere and not be somewhere so badly.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

30 Things I Learned About Myself When Snowed/Iced In My House Alone For Days


 

1.     I like to be alone.

2.    My house in not very organized, and its big.

3.    Having gas heat does NOT mean it works when the electricity goes out. Gas fireplaces do ... but they are a little intimidating to people who are afraid of gas powered explosions.

4.    I miss my kids.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A Single Mom's Christmas Poem

I wrote this poem years ago, but re-read it tonight. It still speaks to me. Blessings to all single Mommies! (and Daddies ... or caretakers :), whomever you may be!)

She prepared the surprises her girls would soon see.
The stockings were stuffed and gifts were under her tree.
She tried very hard to make the holiday bright,
Preparing memories to be made on this Christmas Eve night.

She decided to make a fun, new fresh memory for this holiday.
She always attempts to make things memorable in any small way.
The three of them got matching pajamas, just like an all girl team.
It gave them a girlish sense of fun, as small as it may seem.

They said their bedtime prayers and she kissed their sweet heads.
Then she smiled with joy as she tucked them in their beds.
Its time to do the final touches for the moment when they wake.
In just a few hours, she will watch the memories they will make.

She is thankful for her babies and that they will soon discover their gifts.
She hopes they will never long for what they all have missed.
She knows in many homes, the mom and dad are doing this together.
She thought when her family was starting that it would be forever.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Poem to My Second Child

This is the longest poem I have ever written and will take about 7-8 minutes to read. I tried to just 'write' about this event in an attempt to document it, but for some reason I never liked the way it turned out. Last night, a flood of thoughts came to me and I sat down and wrote for about 2 hours. No idea why or how, but it came out in this poem form. It is written to my youngest daughter. She cried when she read it and really loved it... so to me, it  has already served it's purpose, no matter what. But hopefully another may enjoy it, or some part of it. It is about my daughter getting saved.

I prayed for God to give me a second child,

Promising Him again, I’d do my very best.

Makes me wish trying hard or having the right intention,

Determined the grade and if I passed that test.

 

I hope you feel you’ve had a good childhood,

And that I was a good mother to you.

But for me there are some things that could’ve been better,

Some things you possibly never knew.

 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Mel and FeMel


Ten years ago I attended a hair show in Vegas and met one of the platform artists. Months later, I saw him in a magazine and got the bright idea to hire him for the grand opening party of my salon. I contacted him and he put me in touch with his agent, both lived in New York. I will never forget the first phone conversation I had with the agent, Mel. I was sitting at the front desk and at the first sound of his voice I thought, this won’t work. I don’t have anything against gay men, but he sounded extreme, and I’m a little on the conservative side. Maybe I thought he would be dramatic or just too much for my southern salon, I’m not sure. Now, I look back and realize how misleading first impressions can be.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Abilities Reside Within Disabilities, Part III

          I was going to add this to the previous blog, but no. It needs its very own spot, not a side note to another concept.

          Recently, I spoke with my biological cousin, the older sister of the adopted cousins I mentioned in the previous blog. As we spoke in agreement about the awesomeness of her brown brother and sister, I began questioning myself, admitting that I am over-the-top-crazy about them … possibly to a flaw. Truthfully, I am mesmerized by these two individuals, as I have been with every other special needs child my aunt and uncle have fostered or adopted. I am completely in awe. The part I questioned was that I do put them on a pedestal, basically in an adoring way. Kind of like idolatry, which is not so good. I’m cringing a bit writing that, but the truth is the truth. I see perfection in these children, and perfection is a strong word.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Abilities Reside Within Disabilities Part II


          My very first blog was on this same topic. It’s a great concept.

 

          Lately, life has seemed difficult and depressing, causing its usual effect on me; weight loss. On top of the parental transition, as one child has moved away to college and the other one is nearing that time too quickly, and my single parent woes … I had to say good-bye to a dear childhood friend. Watching cancer steal her from all and having no power to ease the pain for her daughter, husband, parents or siblings … I’ve just been sick. It all happened about two weeks ago. I became a recluse inside the walls of my home for the weekend, reading Mitch Albom’s books, one after another. He speaks a lot about life and death. I must say, it helped put things into perspective. I love Mitch.

         

          I dragged myself out of bed Sunday morning (after her funeral on Friday,) fueling my body with the necessary additive, coffee. Then some more. I had to pull it together, even if by artificial means. I was committed to host an exchange student from Guatemala AND attend a local play of The Christmas Carol.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Light in the Dark...Hope


I wrote this last week. Posting for my dear Eve to have something to read while on the quiet train. Shhhhhhh!

                               **************************************

Today was my day off, but one client wanted a little more blonde in her hair, so I made an exception. My clients are more than clients, I consider most to be dear friends, as they do me. My friend/client today is a couple years younger than me, has never been married and never had children, both being longings of her heart. We’ve had many conversations/debates about being married. I assure her being single and happy is better than married and unhappy in an unhealthy relationship. She feels marriage is what she needs and wants and that I can’t understand because I have experienced it. She and I have touched on this a few times over the last decade and a half. Today, I shed a different light on why I say what I say and we understood that she can’t understand my point because she hasn’t been where I’ve been.

We entered another discussion on the topic today, and it brought a couple of thoughts to mind, ones I have never realized.

I was saying how I question myself about a few things, things I would chose death over living through; one of them being trapped in a relationship that is unhealthy and why I cannot and will not do it again. I have written about it before …

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

From the Delivery Room to the Dorm Room


It was nineteen short/long years ago when God gave you to me.

My physical body transformed, a Mommy I’d soon be.

At your birth, nine months later, your existence became real.

On this day both our lives began, because my wounds began to heal.

 

I stared at you every opportunity I had, always in awe about every part of you.

Trying to wrap my head and heart around this newfound love, one I never knew.

I kissed you too much and could never get enough of your sweet baby smell.

I had heard of falling in love, and was certain that’s the place I fell.

 

The days, weeks and months passed as your tiny body grew.

You changed and evolved, every day learning something new.

You enlightened my world as you learned and began to talk.

Then before I knew it, you crawled and began to walk.

 

My baby became a little girl, seemingly overnight.

Learning and challenging the differences between what’s wrong and right.

Time continued to travel at warp speed as the years would pass.

Then, the day arrived when I walked you into your kindergarten class.

 


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Death vs. Divorce

          Which is worse? Losing a spouse to death or divorce?

          A question similar to the answer-less one, “Which is harder/easier … knowing death is coming or a sudden death.”

Knowing death is near gives everyone the opportunity to say what needs to be said and do bucket lists. But, the impending doom is constantly lurking like a heavy fog, the elephant in the room, while everyone awaits the moment of the end … a stress beyond belief. Sudden death steals last goodbyes, but there is no pre-death anxiety and no helplessness as we sit back and witness a loved one suffer.

My end conclusion: Neither is easier or harder, better or worse, and the pain remains the same at the end of the day. There are pros and cons to both and we all could wish for the opposite that we experience, but the truth is, the grass is not greener on the other side when someone we love is taken. The grief is equal. 

As far as death and divorce, it is the same as the above concept, but there is a silent twist. Personally, I am six years post-divorce and had forgotten all about this concept until yesterday. I’m not sure what reminded me as I was driving, but I heard echoes of my words to my dearest friend from seven years ago (as the marriage ship was sinking) … and her perfect response to me. Having a best friend with a degree in counseling comes in quite handy … 

Typically, I write in present time. Thoughts, feelings and happenings of the here and now in my little world. It’s unfamiliar to write about something that is not a current situation, but when prompted, I listen.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

4th of July Fireworks and Festivities

Loving independence and the start of a new year and loving the manner in which society celebrates it are two different things. This holiday is one of those things that makes me feel like I’m laughing at a joke simply because everyone else is laughing, but I really don’t get it … I’m merely going with the flow. I’ve tried going downtown with the rest of Nashville for the well-known Riverfront firework show, and seem to be a minority as I close my eyes and cover my ears while everyone else claps. Truthfully, I just see thousands of dollars being blown up, mixed with my ears hearing and my mind envisioning a terrorist attack.

It’s kind of like how I desperately want to be part of a fan club crowd. I tried watching Harry Potter in hopes of getting hooked and speaking the Harry Potter lingo. That did not work at all. I just didn’t get it … and since I am petrified of fireworks, I don’t get that either. War scares me, and fireworks remind me of war.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Codependent, Empath and Anxiety/Anxious

I have recently discovered a common thread among codependency, empathy and anxiety. I happen to have all three characteristics (overachiever.) I’ve known about the anxiety for many years, discovered that I am codependent about two years ago and was informed on February 13 of this year that I am an empath.

          The definitions:

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Scars and Birthmarks

          Scars and birthmarks are the first thing I usually notice about a person. They are a shout out to the world, Unique, Customized, One of a Kind, and I find them quite attractive.
          It was about 15 years ago when I learned that my perspective and view of these marks are a bit unique and others don’t see what I see; which I find equally as odd as those who think they look like flaws.
I didn’t intentionally not talk about these amazing marks and my respect of them, it just never came up until I saw a man with a crimson birthmark covering one side of his face. I was with my husband, back in my married days, and met his coworker for the first time. I could hardly contain my composure when I saw this other man and his birthmark. Not that I wanted to jump his bones, but I did want to go on and on about how completely AWESOME his fabulous mark of individuality looked, like he was a chosen one to receive such a mark. When my husband and I left the building, I couldn’t restrain my admiration past walking out the door. By the time we got into the car, he had the most bizarre look on his face. It was a cross between wanting to take me for a psychological evaluation mixed with a soft smile of intrigued delicacy. Kind of like, You have a third eye ... I think I may like it ...

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Turning Frowns Upside Down

                    I am one of those people who have an issue with social sites like Facebook (brain/time suckers,) but I do have a FB. Lately, I have found myself far too connected with my account. Tragedy seems to be all around me. Cancer, paralysis, car wrecks, school shootings, genetic disorders … the list goes on and on. When people go through these things, Facebook pages are created for updates and prayer purposes. All one needs to do is “like” the page, and each new update will appear on the news feed. In a matter of a couple of months, I have subscribed to about 10. I must have oversubscribed and overdid it. That is where my decline began …

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thankful

I Am Thankful
11/21/12

Maybe it seems impossible to have gratitude,
Since my fairy tale life didn’t turn out quite right.
I’ve had to rewrite my little fairytale story
Like I’m doing tonight.

I am thankful for my Daddy,
Who must be the mom too.
He showed me unconditional love
Is the only love that’s true.

My Daddy links me to the love I’m most thankful for,
Though I cannot say I’ve always understood.
God and Jesus having eternal love for me,
No matter if I’m bad or good.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Long Island Medium


I’m not a TV watcher, but I watch The Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo. It’s a toss up if I am most captivated by her conversations with the dead or her style. All bound together, she is true to herself, her 80’s self, and she doesn’t care if anyone gets her or not.
          As a Christian, surrounded by other Christians, mediums are controversial. The Bible says no. Therefore, I have spent time focusing and thinking, something I already do too much of in the first place.
          At any rate, she is on tour and was in Atlanta on Oct 24, so I bought tickets the day before, called a lifelong friend and off we went. Last minute, just the way I like it. I went with no intention of “being read,” because I have been fortunate enough to have dreams from the other side. I’ve received messages I needed to move forward and understand to the best of my ability, that which cannot be understood; Death. However, over time I have learned something about the controversial part as far as "connecting" with people who have died. More on that later ...
I went because I see/feel things in people here. The best way to describe it is dark, hot and bad or bright, warm and good. I wanted to be in her physical presence just to see what happened. I was one in an audience of 4,700, but she stood 2 people down from me and read the lady and her daughter beside me as well as a mother/daughter 2 rows behind me. My guess is she noticed me, especially my gladiator style bracelet because that’s just what I imagine she would notice.
          Point in case, what to believe.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Nothing Gold Can Stay

I never enjoyed homework when I was in school, much less essays. Sad to say, I typically still do not enjoy helping my kids with homework. A few nights ago, my youngest daughter had to write an essay about her summer reading. It was over a book she read, The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. (FYI: S.E. Hinton wrote it in HIGH SCHOOL, second seller only to Charlotte's Web.)
          I have known virtually every word to the movie since I was a child, thanks to my older sister loving it. Not to mention, many heartthrobs starred in it. They were babies, but still wonderful. The cast consists of Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe (yummy,) Emilio Estevez, C. Thomas Howell, Leif Garrett, Diane Lane … and of course, my all time favorite, Patrick Swayze … “Darry.”
          The homework assignment was to explain Robert Frost’s poem, Nothing Gold Can Stay, along with Johnny’s words about what he thought Robert Frost meant. My daughter was stumped, thinking it was contradictory, talking about the colors green and gold and that life is more valuable when you are a kid. That’s where it all began …
         
The poem:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

       I remembered this poem, along with Johnny’s last words before he died, “Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold.”
However, considering the cutie patootie cast, I suppose I didn’t give it as much thought as I should. Now I have.

          We dissected each line …

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Babies Growing Up ... Mommies Growing Up

I haven’t written in awhile, too many thoughts in my head. I wonder, who am I writing this TO/FOR? I see posts on Facebook directed to A person; yet they are posted on a public site? Does the posting person want to allow everyone in on a private comment, that is no longer private? I don’t get it. Then, I look at myself and wonder who I am speaking to when I write this blog. It is an outlet to place something deep within myself into a bottle and throw it out to sea.












My blogs are messages in bottles … No idea what shoreline they will wash upon or who will open the bottle, or if that person will even understand my message. I still throw it anyway …      

The truth is, time is passing too quickly for me and I am attempting to freeze moments. I look at things longer now … I look at my children longer. I hug them tighter and for just a few more seconds. I smile at them more. I kiss them more. One day, I know I will have to rely on this reservoir of memories, so I am stockpiling them. I look happy because I am happy, but I am scared, really scared, and I cry a lot. Not necessarily because I’m sad, I just seem to need to cry.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Creative writing exercise: A Place You Loved-Destroyed.


Dreams to nightmares. That would best describe my once loved place.
      I put my all into it. Time, energy, invested money, current money, sweat and tears. Some blood was most likely shed there too. Just scissor cuts, but all the same, I shed blood.
It was the most beautiful salon I had ever seen, still to this day, all 7,000 sq ft. My heart and mind believed in it and it was my 3rd child. Sadly, my first 2 children would attest that at one point it received more time and attention than they did. However, now, I can hardly stand the sight of it and will avoid traveling down its road if there is another way to get where I am going. Too many negative thoughts and feelings revisit me when I am near it.
After 2 years and 2 Martinis I drove there, just to make myself do it. It was the first time my car had been back in that parking lot. Could I make myself get out and walk to the double door entrance?
A teardrop fell on my hand that was cupped around my eyes as I peered through the glass.
  Still. My mind and body were still.
  It was all destroyed.
  Memories replayed what it once looked like; emotions replayed what it once felt like. I wished I could forget at least a few parts, (and hoped I had, but simply couldn’t remember.) Yet, I always want to remember …
I once was the owner with a key, but now was a passerby looking in a window through a blur of soft tears.