It's been a long time since I've written ... (And, I just realized that TODAY is ironically the anniversary of my last grandparent's passing, 24 years ago when I was pregnant with the child who brought about this writing. Then again ... maybe it's NOT ironic or coincidental!)
Anyway, This blog is very near and dear to my heart. No one could have prepared me for my thoughts and/or feelings ... just as I cannot prepare another. Possibly, we all process this transition differently?
All of my adult life, I've been "a mother." It's ALL I have EVER known or wanted to be. However, as of August 18, 2022 at 1:35 pm, that changed. My youngest daughter gave birth to her first child, my grandson ... and I became a "grandmother." This is a completely different world. Life as I've known it has changed forever.💙 The Love you feel for your grandchild is equivalent to the love you feel for your own child… EXCEPT, you are not fully responsible. You do not HAVE to change diapers, have sleepless nights or sore body parts.🙌🏻
I recently started back going to a counselor, (before my Grandbaby was born,) and I told her, maybe I'm being too positive ... but I feel a dramatic, positive change is about to occur in my life ... within me. A change that simply happens by default. (Because in all honesty, I feel like the guy in the Bible who wandered in the desert, lost, for 40 years… I feel like him, only for 10 years instead.) Back to the topic, I believe life (birth) and death change us forever. We are never the same after losing a loved one OR after having a child/grandchild. Our perspectives change. Things that were important don't seem so important anymore. It just happens when our family dynamic changes. We literally become different. Our focus changes.
I've given thought to my own parents and grandmothers. Their legacies. The memories they left behind that I still hold. (I only had one living grandfather, but he died when I was about six years old. Therefore, my memories are less.).
I try to live a very intentional life and think about who I want to be, how I want to be remembered ... As well as things I do NOT want to be or do.
Truthfully, I was more physically and mentally exhausted after my daughter gave birth than either time I gave birth ... and I didn't even push the baby out! My sponge was so full trying to process it all. The transition. The concern for my child and her baby. Wondering if I could do my job correctly ... especially being and doing what SHE needed from her mother. Trying to wrap my head around how different this is from having my own child. Making sure I did enough, but not too much.
Most of the time, I don't feel like a/the typical "mom." I suppose I feel less. But through this process, I have arrived to/at a place of peace ... No matter what I did/do right or wrong ... there is ONE thing that is a truth ...
Maybe my children don't act, react, say or do things I'd like or expect to me ... Here is a FACT: There is one person in this world who will stop EVERYTHING and do ANYTHING at ANY GIVEN MOMENT with every cell and fiber within for those two girls of mine. And I am that person. I have proven it and in my heart, I feel (hope) they KNOW it is a truth.
To have someone who will do ANYTHING under ANY circumstance is a valuable thing to have when needed. I am not a wealthy woman financially ... but my children and grandchildren will NEVER need for ONE thing as long as this Mama/Momma's heart is still beating and there is still a breath within me. THAT is a CERTAINTY. One that gives me peace. One that calms my often times unruly thoughts.
I am grateful for the season of being a mother… Which I still am their mother! BUT I have now entered a new phase of this life… And it is one that has GIVEN me life in a way that I never knew was possible. It's crazy to think ... I thought my purpose here was completed and over. Now I'm thinking ... Maybe it's not!
Blessings,
Kasi/Sparkle/Gemma
